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User talk:Hatunemiku011
Likferd (talk) 23:58, January 9, 2015 (UTC) Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the My Name page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:15, January 10, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:01, January 11, 2015 (UTC) RE: Story. Starting with the smaller things, you don't need that many spaces between each paragraph. One accomplishes the same purpose and doesn't stretch the story out. I would also recommend restricting ellipses to pauses in dialogue only. Using it in the story for 'dramatic pauses' comes off as melodramatic. (A period or comma serves the same purpose.) Using ellipses 30+ times is also excessive. You also use ellipses where a hyphen is more common (as in cases of stammering.) "W... we met..." could be "W-we met..." Dialogue should also be spaced out to new paragraphs. Two speakers should never talk in the same paragraph. (it helps prevent confusion and aids in story flow.) ""I wasn't making fun of her, she was just acting really weird! She must have done something bad or something because she walked in here kinda guilty looking!" "How dare you call her weird! You're such an idiot!" "How dare, you call me an idiot, Amelia, I'll hurt you for that!" "I'd like to see you try!"" Punctuation issues: "I don't know if this is okay. I don't know(period missing) Is it okay if I put it on here(question mark missing) Will he le(let) me(question mark missing)", ""April, geez, what are you doing.(?)", "Guys... why didn't you stop...(?) why (Why) were you two fighting, of all people...(?)" Grammatical issues: They're=they are, their=possession, there=indicator. "What are their (there)..." Your=possession, you're=you are. "what's... you're (your)... name?" Wording issues: "I met up with my friends, then I saw." (you need to complete that thought. "it", "them" etc.), "I was acting utterly and completely normally. (Normal. avoid using two suffixes in conjunction.)", "My world is no longer existant (existent)." Plot issues: Is this story being spoken aloud to someone? As the narrator stutters, pauses a lot, it seems this is the case, but you don't explain who they are talking to or why they are telling the story. The ending feels rushed. You introduce this being who seems to control reality/dreams, but you really don't build sufficiently on the idea. You just end the story. (rather anti-climactically.) "My world is gone now." Comes off as melodramatic. You need to build the hopelessness of the situation more if you intend to use that line. Finally as you re-uploaded the story as I was typing this, you are now receiving a three day ban. In order to reupload a story, you need to make a deletion appeal and get accepted. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:58, January 11, 2015 (UTC)